Holiday Etiquette!

It’s officially holiday season! You know what that means, right? Cocktails, hot foreign boys (or girls if you’re into that sort of thing lol!) parties, family outings, reconnecting with old friends....Etcetera, etcetera!  After surviving 20something, Sexysomething Dezembers, I feel I know enough to school you on how to act. Please excuse me if this ish is short. I’m officially on ‘holiday-mode’ (Read – I’m hung-over and will only be okay on the 3^rd of January) Lmao!

Burn your Speedos – Waving your package in our faces while we try to build sand castles with our children is not our idea of a fun day at the beach. Please rather wear shorts and then you can run around freely all day and do whatever it is that men who wear Speedos do.

Don’t tell girls you want to “foreplay them” – It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do. You are not getting laid if you tell a chick you want to foreplay her and feel her body heat. Nobody says that. Ask the hot guy who had the audacity to say this to me in Durban last week. Mnxm! What a waste! And the way I had plans for that guy... *SMH*

Invest in a cover-up – There’s nothing as embarrassing as having Green Peace volunteers throw you back into the ocean after mistaking you for a beached whale. Decency goes a very long way. This goes for string/thong bikinis. Nobody wants to see your situation.

Leave the 2 litre container at home – Blacks. We know you’ve waited all year to head to Durban after the year from hell you’ve had. However, those two litre containers need to stay at home. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Strap it up – We know a lot of people use the holidays as an excuse to act like hookers turning tricks at the corner. Whatever it is that you do, make sure you make safety a priority. We don’t want you coming back from the holidays with a new strain of gornohhea that scientists have no cure for. Wrap it up!

Don’t drink and drive - No jokes! Can we please see in the New Year with our cousins, uncles, brothers, mothers and granddads, if it’s not too much to ask?

Don’t drink and strip – *Sigh* The things I’ve seen! Please spare yourself the embarrassment of having the entire world laugh at you once your little stripper episode hits the net (which it will). We live in a very scary Digi-age where careers have been snuffed out by YouTube and Facebook. Keep your clothes on (in public) tltltl

Don’t drink and throw (Lahla) lol! – You don’t want to wake up next to a total stranger, with absolutely no recollection of the previous night’s happenings. Drink responsibly!

Don’t swim – If you’re a good swimmer and have no issues with water, then power to the people!  However, if you can’t, then grab a book and sit your a** down, shem. Please do not spoil our holidays expecting us to save your drowning a** at the beach or at the hotel pool. We don’t have the time. We’ll be too busy flirting with hot, foreign guys who say “Zee” instead of “The”.

Don’t bone your boss – If you happen to bump into your boss at a resort or party this festive, please, please, please don’t hop on! Him looking like Tyrese or Idris Elba is no excuse...Oh what the hell. If he looks anything like Tyrese...girl....lol! Just kidding! Just talk to God in a corner and ask for strength, then walk away!! Run if you have to! ‘Caster-mode’ boo! RUN!!

It looks like I won’t be updating the blog as much during the holidays. I’ll try to though so keep checking in. Thank you so much for all the support! The stats are incredible!! Over 1000 page-views for less than 10 posts!! You guys are awesome!!!

Peace and Love,

SereNgeti  

VIDEO: The Weeknd - 'The Knowing'

One of my favourite artists right now is The Weeknd. I first stumbled upon his music about two months ago when I was cruising Youtube. Damn is all I'm going to say about this artist!! I am SUPER excited right now because he has just released a DOPE music video for his first single, titled 'The Knowing'. This video is giving me EVERYTHING!!! I love it!!! Check it out!

It's safe to say we'll be hearing more from this talented musician. Next year, this guy will blow up shem. He'll be everywhere! #Trust! He already has a nice lil' feature on Drake's new album 'Take Care'. Come to think of it, some of the stuff on 'House of Balloons' (Weeknd's album - which was released in March 2011) sounds like some of that Drake stuff. Luv, luv, luv this guy!!

- By SereNgeti

IN DEPTH: How to Keep Your Woman Happy

Mr and Mrs. Jones

It has been said that women are the most complicated creatures in the world. Yup! It’s true. With that said, let me save you the headaches and school you on how to keep her happy. It really isn’t hard to get along with your chick. I Promise!!

When your girl says she’s on a diet, believe her – The fact that you just witnessed her inhaling a whole chicken, two loaves of bread and five donuts at a go does not count, buddy. You saw her downing that diet coke didn’t you? She’s on a diet! Have a seat!!!

Never agree with your woman when she says she’s fat – Yes, you think she looks like a baby hippo, but my friend, if you know what’s good for you, keep that trap shut. When your woman comes at you with that “I look like a beached whale” junk, a brother that’s fast on the highway to Singleton Street on the corner of Splitsville and Main, will probably chuckle and nod furiously in agreement. Allow me to school you, young one.

Your Chick: “Baby, these jeans make me look like a baby elephant, don’t they?”

You: (Pull your most convincing ‘I’m outraged’ look and stare her dead in the eye. Make sure your eyes shine with fresh, sparkly tears. Clutch your chest and in a scandalised tone, say the following...)

 “FAT?!? Babe!? Is this woman on drugs Lord? Do you know how perfect you are my nunu!!? I can’t believe you’re asking me this right now!! (Walk away from her and kick something. Make sure whatever it is you decide to kick, flies clear across the room, then turn around and walk slowly towards her.)  “You... Are.... (Pause, swallow hard and let a lone tear roll down your left cheek. It has to be left. Say...) “...Mbali Confidence Zikalala (<<insert your woman’s full name here) You are the most perfect specimen I have ever laid my eyes on. Would you like a bacon and avo burger, boo bear? ” She’ll hear bacon and avo burger and she will forget everything.

Go to her family’s Christmas lunch – Yes. Her cousins always bring boyfriends that look like they will way-lay you in the passage and steal your wallet.  So what if her 63 year old aunt polishes off the punch before it even makes it to the table.  Yes, she proceeds to make you dance the ‘hlokoloza’ with her in a dark corner all night. So what? You love your woman afterall and these are just some of the sacrifices you need to make for your lady love.  I suggest you learn to love doing the hlokoloza with drunken aunts in dodgy corners, boy!

Agree with her when she calls every hot girl a skank – It doesn’t matter whether your girl knows the chick or not. If your lady says “That really tall, skinny girl at the bar. Yeah, the one with the perfect teeth? She’s a skank, shem. I can just see it in her eyes. Her aura is very slutty to me”, then that’s it! The tall, hot girl you would bone in a minute if given the chance, is a skank!

Go shopping with her – Guys are very touchy about the whole shopping thing and women know this. Show your lady how much you care by dumping your boys during the Chiefs VS Pirates Championship final.  This will convince her she made the right decision by allowing you to touch her on her studio and get in her pants. Jump up off the couch excitedly and exclaim “Why, hunny! I think we need new bathroom mats! Tshepo, the crew and the strippers they came with can drink those cases of beer all by themselves!” Grab your keys and drag her to the mall for an afternoon of fun! Walk around aimlessly if you can, coo at babies you meet along the way and stand at the ‘Zara’ shop window, crying tears over the banana yellow blazer on display.   

Hold her purse – Have you ever tried to get your man to hold your bag for two seconds, while you tie your shoe? Mnxm! If you haven’t, then you haven’t seen life. Your man will pause for a good 5 seconds, look around like he stole something and then fish that bag out of your hands with his pinkie. And that’s if you’re lucky.  I didn’t just type this purse analogy for fun. You know what to do boo boo! Be one with the bag!

Share the hottest Gossip – Set aside at least 15 minutes a day for a little ‘goss-fest’ with your boo. It could be you sharing a story about one of your boys making a housewife out of a h*e, or it could be about Kim Kardashian’s cellulite! Whatever floats your boat.  Just keep it juicy!

Cry and share feelings with her – There is nothing that will strengthen your bond like a good cry. That damn Scar really did Simba and his dad dirty in ‘The Lion King’ and she probably has also not gotten over it. Discuss it. Dissect it. Cry about it!  At least both of you will get to throw popcorn at the TV when Scar and his hyena pals come into focus. Damn you Scar!! DAMN YEeeeeewww!!!

See!!! Easy peasy!! Good Luck!

- By SereNgeti

FOCUS: Baddest Broads In The Game!

SYLEENA JOHNSON – I don’t understand why she’s not as big as she deserves to be! This woman has an amazing voice! One of the best in the biz. Please do yourself a favour and listen to ‘No Words’ and ‘I Believe in Love’ by this woman. #Power

Syleena Johnson

12. AMEL LARRIEUX – My favourite song of all time is ‘Tell Me’ by Groove Theory, which Amel co-wrote with my boo Bryce Wilson.  Amel Larrieux is such a beautiful soul...inside and out. Her wonderful spirit shines through in every note she sings.  I love ‘Get Up’, ‘Make me whole’, ‘For Real’, ‘Lucky’ and many other awesome pieces of music

Amel Larrieux

 
11. BRANDY – No artist is touching Brandy in as far as background vocal arrangements are concerned. This woman goes the extra mile on every track she laces. Her layering is just insane!  If you really, REALLY listen to music, you’ll hear the subtle riffs, runs and ad libs she does in the background on all her songs. KILLS it! Jealous Down! I bet you if you killed the lead vocals (voice solo’s) on all her songs and just left the background vocals, she would still sell!

Brandy

10. GLADYS KNIGHT – This woman’s voice!!! Hhayi! I still get goose bumps everytime I hear that ‘End of the Road’ medley! I have no words!

60s: A young Gladys

9. JANET JACKSON – There’s no one that does sensual like the old Janet did. That’s the way love goes, Again, Let’s wait a while, Rope Burn, You want this, Got till it’s gone...man!! Don’t get me started on Miss Janet. I love her!

Janet Jackson

8. SALT –N- PEPA – The most successful female Rap group of our time, Salt-N-Pepa deserve credit for helping push Hip Hop into the mainstream with clever wordplay and catchy lyrics and hooks. I am a huge fan of their work and still bump ‘Whatta Man’ and ‘Push It’ whenever I can. The other day, I was bumping ‘Shoop’ in my ride and got a couple of honks, smiles and ‘rap-alongs’ from fellow motorists throughout the day Lol! It was hilarious!  

Salt-N-Pepa

7. MONICA – Don’t sleep on Moe! This girl’s voice is like an engine! Sooooo talented! I bump a lot of her old stuff from her ‘Miss Thang’ album and I kid you not, her sound is still fresh and relevant. I can’t wait for her new album to drop in Feb 2012!!

Monica and her son

6. BEYONCE – Baddest chick in the game right now, whether you like it or not. This is a black girl making money and showing other black girls all over the world that anything is possible. I Respect her hustle!

Child, have a seat! I'm the baddest!

  

5. QUEEN LATIFAH – When Queen Latifah barked “Who you callin’ a b*tch?” you should have seen my little eyes sparkle. I fell in love with Hip Hop that very moment and I’m still hooked! One of the Greatest of All Time!!! Love her!

The Queen!

4. TLC – The first song I ever heard by TLC is ‘Baby, Baby, baby’. It’s one of my favourite songs to this day. When I laid my eyes on that video, I was stunned. Left Eye had balloons in her hair, which I grew up and later discovered were condoms Lol! After seeing the ‘What about your friends’ video, there was no turning back! I was hooked!  Their 1994 album ‘Crazy, Sexy, Cool’ is my favourite from the New Jill Swing era. These girls were feisty, ballsy and were such bosses, most of the chicks that are running the game right now cite them as a major influence, as it should be!

TLC

3. MARY J. BLIGE – Mary is the Queen! I don’t care what anybody says! I’m a Stan! Raw, hood, real, emotional...Mary is EVERYTHING!!  Her debut album ‘What’s the 411’ is one of my favourite albums of all time. She was the first R ‘n B chick to successfully merge Soul and Hip Hop, hence the ‘Queen of Hip Hop/Soul title, which she rightfully deserves. ‘Share My World’ and ‘My Life’ are also classics that can’t be touched, shem. Run and tell that! Mary joins Sade as another artist I have to experience ‘Live’. The way she speaks to my soul, I have a feeling I’d cry the entire duration of her concert though. Many artists have tried to emulate her ‘blonde hair, stunnas and boots’ swag over the years, in attempt to pass it off as their own; Keyshia *cough* Cole, Beyonce *cough cough* Knowles tltltl) but you know what, there can only be one Mary!

MJB the MVP

2. SADE – My parents were huge Sade fans when I was a kid (‘round the late 80s) and had her music on heavy R.O. at the house. Now that I’m all grown up, I understand why. Sade is the prototype of what I feel a true artist should be. Apart from having one of the most alluringly haunting voices in the world, Sade is gorgeous and decidedly sexy. The difference with her is, she lets her work speak for itself and keeps it classy at all times. No thrusting and coochie-poppin’ over here. No Sir! Just grown and sexy vibes! Seeing this wonderful songstress ‘Live in concert’ is a dream I have had since I was a kid. One day, it will become a reality! I promise!

Sade

1. LAURYN HILL – The hottest verse I have ever heard a feemcee spit on wax, is without a shadow of a doubt Lauryn’s verse on ‘Ready or Not’ by the Fugees. (My second favourite is Lil’ Kim’s verse on Mobb Deep’s ‘Quiet Storm’ Remix) The way this woman murked Pras and Wyclef...in heels even, is criminal!!! Straight fire!! My favourite album of all time is Miss Hill’s debut solo album, ‘The Miseducation’.  This incredible work of art is so honest and so full of depth it forces you to question everything you think you know about God, Love and everything in between. Some of my fave joints on there include Zion, Ex Factor, Lost Ones, Nothing Even Matters featuring ma future baby daddy D’Angelo (Lol) and Doo Wop That Thing (That bass and those horns!!! #Depth) Also, Lauryn’s MTV: Unplugged album has many hidden gems including ‘Mr. Intentional’ and ‘Like the Water’ Crazy or not, I love me some Lauryn!!!

Baddest: Lauryn Hill

 - By SereNgeti

*Images sourced from the net

 

Round Up: The Channel O VMA's!

From sexy West African rappers, to larger than life divas with even larger weaves, the Channel O awards had it all!

First things first, it would be criminal of me not to give Africa's musicians a hand for pulling out all the stops at this years O Awards! I have always been a fan of a lot of the stuff Nigeria's consistently churning out (blame it on those sexy Naija boys) However, Uganda, Namibia and them definitely kicked the door in and made their presence felt this year. If you didn't watch, here's what you missed (or didn't) tltltl

Tiwa Savage - I love me some T.Sav!! 'Kele Kele Love' goes hard and I've always loved how phly this girl is. However, no one prepared me sufficiently for that girl's live performance. She gave me EVERYTHING! Whooooo!! She deserves that Grammy nomination! Vocals were on point! Nigeria stays stuntin'!

Tiwa Savage

Lizha James from Mozambique on the other hand, needed to pull her 'Hair Guy' to the side of the stage for a serious conversation about her weave. It made her look like she was on her way to buy bread and milk at the Ponta D'Or Supermarket! Who did that to my favourite Mozambican queen?! Mnxm!

Lizha and her hair...

Channel O's Dineo did a great job as compere/host. Co-host Banky W on the other hand looked and sounded like he wanted to make love to himself the whole time lol! Great guy but hhayi lol!

FOREPLAY:Banky touching himself lol!

I STAN for DJ Cleo! He can have everything I own, that guy. I don't care what anyone says about him. He works hard and has an incredible mind! I know this because I interviewed him earlier this year and I left that place totally inspired! This is the reason why I won't say anything about his hair.

Cleo performs

My hubby Naeto C made me smile when he won an award for our wedding song, 10 over 10. Lol! My granny was more fascinated by Naeto's shades, a similar pair which she owns. Now she thinks she knows music because they share the same taste in eyewear *smdh*

My gran's fave glasses!

The highlight of the night was without a doubt Flavour's performance. That 'Nwa Baby' song of his is my 'Song of 2011'! You should have seen the action at my house during his performance. I was dirty dancing and grinding the stove, while my granny straddled my mother's pot plants tltltl! I threw a shoe at the TV screen at some point though because whoever was behind the camera wanted to show us Flavour's face, which we did not give two rat's a**es about. All Africa wanted to see was the guy gyrate. Damn!!!

Flavour gyrates...

And then there was Shaa. Nkosi! She made me hide under the table when she fluffed her lines. It was so awkward shem and my heart broke for her. I then proceeded to roll on the floor, with my breath threatening to leave my body when the audience packed up laughing when she apologised to her mother. Shem, my heart was so sore for that girl. Be Strong wherever you are my nubian sistah *sigh*

I was sad until KB mounted the stage to present an award. The producers should have paired him with Dineo. That joke about 'Blacks, flasks and booze' made my night. He's brilliant!

Teargas and Liquid Deep then made my granny reach for her High Blood Pressure pills when they came out to accept their Most Gifted Duo/Group Video for 'Born for this'. She couldn't handle all that 'swag' in one place at the same time. Those boys looked good! *Swoon* However, I suspect two of the Teargas guys were drunk! The little one was soo entertaining Lol!

Teargas

I couldn't understand a word Samklef said on stage, so I concentrated on the flower pinned on his pretty co-presenter's dress. It was yellow.

Professor tore the house down (as usual). I chuckled though during his performance because his dancers thighs tried their best to outshine him. They were all over my screen! I boo'd the way when my favourite Kwaito artist Brickz lost out to a guy from Namibia called 'The Dog'. Mnxm! The way Brickz makes my life! I secretly wished he'd pull a Kanye and tell The Dog "Whooooohwwwww!!" and then walk off the stage Lmao!

The producers should have let JMartens and Fally Ipupa perform! They would have killed it on that stage! That's all I'm not happy about.

Anywhoo..Congrats to all the winners! Don't sleep on Africa and it's talent!! So proud!!

PS - My pic uploader is hungover, so I'm not able to caption the pictures the way I'm supposed to *sigh* Askies-ini ke?! lol! Mwaah!!

-By SereNgeti
Pics- Channel O, Naijafilm.com

What to Leave In 2011!!

Bras that don’t fit – There’s nothing as cringe-inducing as seeing a pair of FFF pups bopping down the street, packed into a bra 4 sizes too small. Besides cutting into your back, creating unsightly rolls, wearing the wrong size bra can wreak havoc on your posture. Be a true diva in 2012 by getting the right size bra. It will help you feel confident about your appearance and most importantly, your brain will thank you because it will – as my granny so eloquently put it – “finally receive the oxygen God intended for it to receive.” Aaaah!! Gran-gran! Lol!

Shiny liquid leggings – You are not a squid or an eel. Looking like you were caught in the BP oil spill alongside SpongeBob and friends is soooo 2010. If you eke out a living swinging on a greasy pole while tottering on sky-high clear heels with a gold fish in them, then by all means rock the ‘wet look’ with pride and ignore the hell out of me, hun! The extra shine will help you slide down that pole with class boo-boo! *Cha ching! Money in the bank!* tltltl

Bad attitudes – Yes, your daddy treats you like a princess and the whole world should revolve around you. However, truth is, the whole world does NOT revolve around you and frankly doesn’t give a hoot whether your daddy bought you a pony and a unicorn when you were five. Being mean-spirited, jealous, spiteful and gossipy is not going to cut it in 2012 or at any other time really. You could catch a random beat-down from a 92 year old granny that knows karate, or worse still, when the world ends in December 2012 (not IF): a shiny, one-way, first class ticket to hell could quite possibly have your name on it.

Over plucked eyebrows – There’s nothing as unsettling as meeting a grown woman with needle-thin eyebrows that start in the middle of her forehead and navigate their way down to the corners of her mouth. Compasses are best used to draw semi-circles in maths class, while coins help us call our boyfriend at the payphone. They should never, EVER be part of your make-up toolkit. Let’s stop, hey?! Thanks.

Frenemies – Every circle of friends has one or three. A hater disguised as a friend. They will never be happy for you when you get a promotion, a man, a car, a job, new shoes, a puppy, a call from your granny (because hers died when she was 2) or even when a hobo hollers and attempts to fondle you in public. Leave the drama and the nonsense where it belongs; in the past.

Mohawks – Everyone and their great grandfather bored us to tears with their own take on the Mohawk. It was fine when it was sported by the delicious looking Kevin Prince Boateng (who we wouldn’t mind eating sushi off) during the World Cup. *swoon* However, niccas have taken the trend too far. For months now, we have been subjected to many variations of the Mohawk, with most looking like dodgy DIY jobs, shaved off using broken beer bottles.

Badly styled fringes – A fringe is not supposed to stick out like an over-starched cap...or flop like an upside down helmet. That’s what the German cut aka ‘The Rebecca’ is for. (Hey! Jen Aniston had ‘The Rachel’. Miss Malope deserves her own!) Have your hairdresser cut your bangs all the way up to your upper lids, or even eyebrows. Anything higher will make you look foolish! Trust!

Camel toe – All together now... “The biscuit must breathe!!” Strangulation is not a good look. From where we’re sitting, that isht looks hella painful! It’s okay if your name is Coco and you’re married to Ice T. It’s your biscuits job to be strangled till it passes out.

- By SereNgeti

Our Favourite Men on the Box!

If you did not know, your girlfriend (yes, even dear old Sibongile) probably is thinking about one of the men on the list below, while you read this article, at this very moment. If you have doubts; ask her...and watch her stutter. You have nothing to worry about though homey! The chances of your Sibongile meeting one of these hotties and being swept off her feet are probably one in a million. Take a look at what we think are the sexiest men on the box.

SIBUSISO DLOMO (GENERATIONS)

Yeah, yeah! That’s not his name but you know who we’re talking about. Don’t judge us. He might say "Es-tjooze me" instead of "Excuse me" on occasion. So what? At least he reminds us how human he is. We love how dapper he looks in an expensive business suit and how unafraid he is to go head to head with that not-so-good looking Kenneth Mashaba guy. Isn’t he adorable when he rolls around and plays with his daughter Christina and didn’t we all just smile when he made peace with Senzo after that whole Jason thing? Ntombi is one lucky woman! PS -What on earth possessed the Generations scriptwriters to name that poor child, Christina? Had they run out of Lerato’s, Thoko’s or Rethabile’s? Major Tjo moment! However, we’ll let it slide because we absolutely love how they have given us our daily dose of ‘street wise hunk in a suit’. Thatha Sibusiso Dlomo thatha!

TREVOR NOAH

(SOUTH AFRICAN COMEDIAN)

Funnyman Trev!

We like a guy who can make us laugh. If he’s hot, then we know we’ve hit the jackpot. Whoever has hit the Trevor Noah lotto is one lucky woman. We cannot get enough of his dimpled smile, his awesome sense of humour and that caramel complexion of his. We cannot wait for the day someone or other decides to invite him to Swaziland. We would gladly stake out the airport and keep all the kingdom’s borders under surveillance so professionally, the FBI would be proud. We’d daywalk, nightwalk and generally everydaywalk with this cutie-pie. Anytime, any place.

BARACK OBAMA

(US PRESIDENT)

Barack and the lady I'm about to drop-kick tltltl

Arguably one of the most powerful men in the free world and without a doubt one of the hottest world leaders out there, Barack has made watching White House press conferences a piece of cake for many women in the world. Gone are the days when we would fall asleep on the couch, looking really unfabulous, as Christiane Amanpour dissected US and International policies with ‘the other guy’, whose name we have forgotten. Now, we get stressed when CNN does not have a daily dose of our favourite medicine; a hot, steaming cup of ‘Yes We Can.’ Thanks to Barack, we are now able to wow our dates with info about the Air force One as well as Iran and its nuclear programme. Okay, maybe not. We love him anyway.

TREY SONGZ

(US R&B STAR)

Trey, Trey, Trey! What are we going to do with you? Every time we catch a glimpse of this hottie, whether semi naked or fully clothed, we forget about the whole act like a lady thing. Yuup! Our favourite video by him right now is ‘Can’t be friends.’ We love freeze framing many, many scenes in that particular music video, especially the one scene where he seems to have ‘misplaced’ his t-shirt, or vest, or whatever it is. (We’re honestly always too busy checking him out to notice what he’s wearing.) Blessed with a gorgeous smile and beautiful eyes, he sets our hearts aflutter every time we see him. We’ll have one Trey on a tray, with a side of chips, please!

ZAM NKOSI

Zam and...she, who is supposed to be me! lol!

Yes, he’s taken and we cry everyday before we go to sleep over this. Nkhensani Manganyi, Founder and Chief Designer of the Stoned Cherrie label, is one lucky woman. We’d like to hate and say maybe he was ‘stoned’ when he got with her, but you know what, we’re not even going to hate. They are a match made in heaven. Smart, eloquent, creative and quick-witted, Zam Nkosi made us swoon all those years ago when he had ibob yema dreadlocks on Selimathunzi. To this day, he has a warm place in our hearts.

KENNETH MASHABA

(GENERATIONS)

Lol!

Just kidding! Hehehe! We wanted to see what you’d say!!

JADEN SMITH

I am NOT a pervert!!!! lol!

Please forgive us for this one. We’re old and we feel very guilty about it. So let’s just say we’re adding him to the list for um...our 10 year old cousins (who probably can’t read...GREAT!) Here goes... We think Will and Jada’s son is absolutely gorgeous and we say this in the LEAST perverted way possible. He is such a little cutie-pie. Give him 6 years and he will be breaking many teenage hearts.

-By SereNgeti

10 Things NOT to do on a date...

So...you’re done crying over that no good dog, who slept with your best friend, thought the sun shone out of his derriere and treated you worse than a prisoner in Abu Ghraib. Yes, he was a gorgeous specimen who spoke 10 languages (except the language of love), clipped his toenails and had perfect teeth. He was a model and was without a doubt perfect arm candy. Lucky you, you finally kicked him to the kerb and your friends (who love you very much) have hooked you up with an adonis of a man who can melt an iceberg with just his smile. Here’s a little guide to help you nail that tricky first date so that hopefully, there can be a second and third and...well, you get the picture.

1. DON’T BE LATE

We all know getting to look like the glamazon you are takes a bit of doing. Cleansing, trimming, powdering, pouting, panicking (because you can’t find the right outfit) are all part of the game. However, being an hour late because you were taking care of your ‘hairy situation’ or trying on billions of clothes that match your new lip-gloss and eye shadow combo, will not cut it. 10 minutes late is fine. An hour is not, unless of course you were trying to save five kittens from a burning building, on your way to the restaurant.

2. DON’T EAT EVERYTHING ON THE MENU

The fact that you haven’t had a free meal in a year, should not give you the balls to order like you’re on a date with Crous. Not everyone’s pocket is deep. We all love freebies. However, show your date some consideration. We are not saying pick at your salad for the duration of your date and wash it down with tap water. That will only make you look like a really strange person with issues. Instead, eat something light before you leave the house. A piece of fruit or an energy bar will do the trick. Your stomach growling really loudly in the middle of a conversation with your hot date is not a good look. Also, never try to show off by ordering something you cannot pronounce or have never eaten before. Having a prawn fly into your date’s eye because you have no idea how to eat it, is guaranteed to put you back on the market faster than you can say ‘cordon blue.'

3. DON’T TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR 8 CATS

This could make you seem like a lonely, anti-social weirdo who does not have any friends or a social life. You want him to think you’re fun and feisty, which you are and if you aren’t, should be.

4. DONT TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR INGROWN TOENAILS

While you’re at it, don’t tell him about your corns, webbed feet, deviated septum, your ability to burp and sneeze at the same time or any other really weird ‘talents’ you possess. Save the stories for your brother. You’ll thank us when he puts a ring on it two years later.

5. DON’T SNARL AT THE WAITRESS

She could be flirting with your date, but that’s the only way she will get a sizeable tip isn’t it. All the chicks in 'burbs know you’re from the hood and you are infamous for laying random smack downs. We’re proud of you. However, let the manager deal with any sticky situation that could tempt you to beat her within two inches of her life. If you are not a lady, acting like one will get you very far.

6. DON’T GET DRUNK

Maybe you have an honorary plaque at the local pub for drinking every one of their patrons under the table. Don’t show off your skills during your date. If you feel you HAVE to drink (you really don’t) then a glass of wine or two, if you can handle it, is okay. More than two will show you things. We guarantee it. You can hook up with your girls after the date and spill all the details, while knocking back a few celebratory tequila silvers.

7. DON’T SHOW UP LOOKING LIKE A HOOKER

Anything that shows your navel or butt crack is a total no-no. So are booty shorts, clear heels and two centimetre skirts. You do not want to look desperate. You might argue that Rihanna does it. Yes she does, but guess what?! She has an album out! You don’t. We have said this before haven’t we? There’s a thin line between sexy and trashy. Don’t cross over to the other side. You don’t want your date to lodge a down low enquiry about ‘your rates’, at the end of the night.

8. DON’T REVEAL ALL

He is not Dr. Phil and he never will be. Telling him about how your Psychologist said your relationship issues stem from your father refusing to hug you when you were four years old is a bit much. Keep it mysterious and say only what needs to be said. There’s nothing as exciting as being open but unreadable. It will guarantee you a second date.

9. DON’T TRASH YOUR EX

Save the sob stories about your ex drowning your beloved cat (Mr. Sniffles) for your girlfriends or your shrink. Your ex is an idiot, but your date doesn’t need to know that. A nice ‘It just did not work out’ will suffice. Full Stop. You don’t want to end up looking like you’re not over him (even if you’re totally not over him and still stalk him on facebook.) hehehe

...unless you’re playing him or you’re scared he could be a serial killer. Either way, it’s not nice and could make him run a mile. He wants one on one time with you and not with your army of neck rolling, finger snapping home girls.

-By SereNgeti

(Published in the Times of Swaziland...coz i'm fabulous and stuff, lol!)

10. DON’T BRING A FRIEND

SOMEONE NEEDS TO...

Give Chantel Biya a Bells – Cameroon’s first lady Chantal Biya is – to borrow from Weezy – Making it rain on ‘em h*es! Lol! None of the other Presidential wives are touching her steez!She is so phly, even Michelle Obama couldn’t deal and was caught throwing shade. Who wouldn’t? The elegance!! That orange hair! The make-up! Definitely the Beyonce of the political circuit, if you ask me. I bet she booty hops at White House dinners and sings her boo ‘Crazy in love’ at home. Tltltltl! Love her!!

Haters Gon' Hate: Chantel Biya!

Give V-Mash a job on TV– The way I love her! No one is as entertaining as V-Mash ever was. I want to see an old, blonde lady jump on a table and dance in shorts and shiny boots. Somebody. Anybody. Find her.

Zesty: V-Mash!

Make real R’nB – The way my heart is dying to listen to wonderful music that touches me deep inside!?! I want to vibe to awesome, undiluted R’nB, if that’s not too much to ask. I want to cry because what I’m hearing is flawless. I want to smile to myself. I want to get mad. I want to get goose bumps. I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to celebrate love. I want to be inspired. Instead of Taio Cruz (or whatever his name is) could I please listen to Mint Condition and Raphael Sadique? Instead of spending millions promoting Rich Girl, could they take Brandy seriously? I want to listen to new music from Donnel Jones, SWV, Andrea Martin, Joe, Blackstreet, Groove Theory, D’Angelo, Dave Hollister, Shai, Jodeci and them. Could the original divas (Aretha Franklin, Gladys Knight, Anita Baker etc) be given the chance to make music? There are soooo many talented musicians that are not being given the time of day by record labels, radio stations and the consumer, it’s not even funny. One day is one day! Till then, I’ll gladly listen to my massive collection of ol’ skool R’nB and Hip Hop.

I Love Groove Theory!

Stop playing Zahara’s ‘Loliwe’ – Hhayi! I’m tired, shem. Sesivile and it’s enough. Zahara’s really talented and we’re all happy and proud of her. Her rabid fans however, all need hugs. If I hear one more person playing ‘Loliwe’, I swear I will beat them with a shoe. Let’s all go back home and listen to her CD again. I‘m sure there are plenty more awesome songs we can terrorise our neighbours with. Let’s please shove something else down people’s throats.Thanks.

Ses'sharp!

Bring back Martin –All I can think about right now is Dragon Fly Jones getting a beat-down at the ATM and then attempting to call 911 using the ATM keypads Lmfao!!! *DragonFlyVoice* “Silence! Si-i-i-ile-e-ence.”That has to be the funniest ish I’ve ever seen! Lol! And then there was Jerome and his oversized cowboy boots! “I say Jero-o-o-me! I say Jero-ro-rome! Jerome’s in the hoouuuse!” hahahahaha! The way I love Martin Lawrence! ThankGod for Youtube. When I’m sad or depressed, Dragon Fly Jones and Jerome always make me laugh till I cry.

Arrest Trey Songz– Being that sexy should be illegal. A punishable offence, even.

"Pibo pibo pibo pibo": The cops need to arrest Trey!

Bring back early 90s fashion – Crop tops, Doctor Martins, ‘scosh’ shirts, bamboo earrings, baggy jeans (for chicks)etc Lol! I want it all. The only thing that can stay in that era though is ‘The LL Cool J’, which had people’s boyfriends and husbandslicking their lips and walking the streets with their tracksuit pants legs pulled up to the knee! That was suspect!

90s fashion: JADE

Get me a job at Sacred Heart Hospital – Lmao! There’s no series I’ve watched in the past 3 years that’s funnier than ‘Scrubs’. I want to work with JD, dance with Turk and do stuff blondes find fun, with Elliot, all the days of my life! #Bows. If there’s one thing Hollywood got right, it’s Scrubs!

Turk and JD. "It's guy love" lol!

-By SereNgeti

When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be

BEYONCE'S FOETUS - While you and I worry about where our next meal will come from, that baby is straight chilling with a martini on some "I'm rich biatch!" Honestly, I'd be the same way too if my mom's placenta was made up of platinum plaques, rainbows, Ace of Spade, a couple of Buggati's and blood diamonds. Imagine all the happy hours me and my mommy would spend perfecting the art of hair-tossing in stilettos and perfecting the booty-hop! Partner let me upgrade you!!! #Winning

Straight Chillin: Beyonce's baby!

A WRESTLER - You know the Lord loves you when your bosses encourage you to report for work...everyday...in tiny leopard print/ hot pink/green underpants, knee caps, a mullet and a scowl! Happy Days!!!!! Imagine working in an office where body slamming your colleagues or waving your crotch in their faces does not get you slapped with sexual harassment charges and is actually encouraged! Fun Times!

LOL! #ThatsAll

A VIDEO VIXEN - I just want to shake my a** for a living. On Mondays, Thursdays, public holidays and even on Christmas. I'm not going to lie. It looks really empowering! I bet there's no better feeling in the world than being objectified and getting PAID for it!! Apparently, the free sandwiches on set are to die for and the bikinis are as comfy as they look!

Objectify Away: Lola Luv

TREY SONGZ PERSONAL MANAGER - My scope of duties would include (and not be limited to...)

1. Helping him get out of his clothes and into the bathtub.
2. Scrubbing his back to ensure the boss is shiny enough to go shirtless on stage.
3. I would also monitor his gym visits to ensure he does all his squats, push ups and butt clenches.
4. Because I probably would be totally dedicated to my job, I'd also volunteer for a spot on his security team where I would religiously conduct routine 'pat downs' on his person to check for any concealed weaponry.  Safety First kids! :)

Yes PLEASE!!

- By Serengeti

IN DEPTH: Why Your BBM died!

Blackberries

So...the big news this week was BBM showing people their mothers! I am not a BB fan (#TeamiPhone whoop, whoop!), so I was one of billions across the globe who pulled exaggerated air-punches at the news. I know I am not the only one who is sick and tired of having conversations with myself at the dinner table, while my friends chat away, giggle and send each other porn on BBM. Too bad I got clocked over the head with a BB Curve...or was it a BB Bold...*shrugs* by one of my gal pals, who practically worships at the altar of BBM and pretty much idolises notorious Blackberry wielder/thrower Naomi Campbell. Psycho! Tltltl

 Anywho, after she threw her phone at me, I had to be a good friend and help her figure out why this had happened. (Right...Because I work for Nokia, neh? Mnxm). Before getting down to business, I spent roughly 7.5 to 8 seconds judging her for caring more about BBM than the crisis in Somalia. Being the smart girl I am (read: After being threatened with another beat down), I quickly figured it out and came up with two possible scenarios. The third came from my boyfriend (He’s a smart guy who reads books. Not ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’) J

SCENARIO 1

I think Blackberry figured they had to come up with something huge to take the entire globe’s attention away from Steve Jobs’ passing. Afterall, everyone and I mean EVERYONE was talking about the guy...and with good reason. He was without a shadow of a doubt one of the greatest innovators of our time. He being in every media outlet gives the iPhone - BB's closest competitor - more Brand Leverage than ever before, which Blackberry does not want, of course! So, what did those geeks decide to do? Put BBM on ‘Shut Down Mode’ to get everyone talking and to shift focus away from Steve Jobs, pancreatic cancer and the iPhone. Heartless scumbags!

SCENARIO 2

A security guard at the Blackerry Headquarters accidentally peed on the BBM servers after having had a little too much to drink at the party Blackberry hosted to celebrate Steve Jobs’ death.

SCENARIO 3

My man reckons the CIA probably shut that ish down to access people’s personal info, as well as their private conversations - in the agencies continued efforts to fight global terrorism and crime. “Oh sh*t! I’m going to get arrested,” he jokes. Lol!

All these scenarios make perfect sense. However, I’ll put my money on Scenario 2, thank you very much.

My momma once told me “Baby! Never trust a drunken Blackberry security guard, who wants to pee”.

Well, you know what they say! Momma’s always right!

Steve Jobs... Rest peacefully in iCloud! God Speed!!!

RIP Steve Jobs!

-By SereNgeti

FEATURE: How to Get Laid!

If the only action you get on a Friday night is watching your cat coughing up hairballs, PLEASE read the below. Yes...this IS an intervention!

MEN:

BATH – Smelling like you live in a sewerage tank is NOT the business. So is looking like ‘Swamp Thing’ or a KaMdodi Boy (KMB). Maybe that’s why Mr Sniffles (your cat) is the only thing that can stand you. Cut, trim, shave, shear, polish, buff, chop... Act like Nike and Just Do It! If your hair has locked into dreads because you can’t stand to touch a comb...Tsk tsk!! Also, marinating yourself in cologne will make you look like a loser. You’re not a lamb chop that’s about to be thrown on the grill. Last but not least, your breath can’t be smelling like you’re breeding a family of skunks in your mouth. Chicks will dig you if you start taking regular scrubs and brushes. Honest!

Swamp Thing #NotAGoodLook!

BE A GENTLEMAN – Manners are very important. Mind your P’s and Q’s, hug stray kittens, help old ladies cross the road, be nice to petrol attendants and waitresses (not the hot ones with bouncy, perky boobs)... and most importantly DON’T steal her purse. *Mumbling* If I had a dollar for every time a knee-grow stole my purse!!

READ – No! Paging through Hustler and Playboy doesn’t constitute reading. That doesn’t count. I’m talking books, homey! Don’t be like the guy who proudly announced the last book he read was ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’. Huh? First of all...that’s a damn NURSERY RHYME and NOT a book!!! Good thing I packed my running shoes in my purse that day because the way I ran, Caster would be proud!! That brother is probably watching his cat coughing up hairballs as we speak. Lol! Every woman wants their kids to have a fighting chance in this cold, cruel world we live in. No one wants a retarded stripper child whose favourite pastime is singing ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ in church and at funerals. You see how things can go wrong, neh? No books...No Biscuit!

Read, homey!

HAVE AMBITION – There’s nothing that makes a woman want to jump you, more than ambition. Having a plan (short term or long-term) is where it’s at! No woman wants to be stuck with deadwood, especially if she knows she will be making plenty paper in the future. Also, women want to know you’re capable of providing for her babies (who will probably have your big a**head). There’s nothing particularly glamorous about starving to death...unless of course the woman you have your sights on is Kate Moss...(who you’re not dating and never will, because you’re living in abject poverty by Kate’s standards.) Tltltltl! Lesson... You don’t have to be rich. Just have goals and show her you are working hard at achieving every one of them! Who knows? Maybe she’ll even help you achieve a couple, if you’re a good boy *wink*

...You’re welcome!! J

*The End*