Bras that don’t fit – There’s nothing as cringe-inducing as seeing a pair of FFF pups bopping down the street, packed into a bra 4 sizes too small. Besides cutting into your back, creating unsightly rolls, wearing the wrong size bra can wreak havoc on your posture. Be a true diva in 2012 by getting the right size bra. It will help you feel confident about your appearance and most importantly, your brain will thank you because it will – as my granny so eloquently put it – “finally receive the oxygen God intended for it to receive.” Aaaah!! Gran-gran! Lol!
Shiny liquid leggings – You are not a squid or an eel. Looking like you were caught in the BP oil spill alongside SpongeBob and friends is soooo 2010. If you eke out a living swinging on a greasy pole while tottering on sky-high clear heels with a gold fish in them, then by all means rock the ‘wet look’ with pride and ignore the hell out of me, hun! The extra shine will help you slide down that pole with class boo-boo! *Cha ching! Money in the bank!* tltltl
Bad attitudes – Yes, your daddy treats you like a princess and the whole world should revolve around you. However, truth is, the whole world does NOT revolve around you and frankly doesn’t give a hoot whether your daddy bought you a pony and a unicorn when you were five. Being mean-spirited, jealous, spiteful and gossipy is not going to cut it in 2012 or at any other time really. You could catch a random beat-down from a 92 year old granny that knows karate, or worse still, when the world ends in December 2012 (not IF): a shiny, one-way, first class ticket to hell could quite possibly have your name on it.
Over plucked eyebrows – There’s nothing as unsettling as meeting a grown woman with needle-thin eyebrows that start in the middle of her forehead and navigate their way down to the corners of her mouth. Compasses are best used to draw semi-circles in maths class, while coins help us call our boyfriend at the payphone. They should never, EVER be part of your make-up toolkit. Let’s stop, hey?! Thanks.
Frenemies – Every circle of friends has one or three. A hater disguised as a friend. They will never be happy for you when you get a promotion, a man, a car, a job, new shoes, a puppy, a call from your granny (because hers died when she was 2) or even when a hobo hollers and attempts to fondle you in public. Leave the drama and the nonsense where it belongs; in the past.
Mohawks – Everyone and their great grandfather bored us to tears with their own take on the Mohawk. It was fine when it was sported by the delicious looking Kevin Prince Boateng (who we wouldn’t mind eating sushi off) during the World Cup. *swoon* However, niccas have taken the trend too far. For months now, we have been subjected to many variations of the Mohawk, with most looking like dodgy DIY jobs, shaved off using broken beer bottles.
Badly styled fringes – A fringe is not supposed to stick out like an over-starched cap...or flop like an upside down helmet. That’s what the German cut aka ‘The Rebecca’ is for. (Hey! Jen Aniston had ‘The Rachel’. Miss Malope deserves her own!) Have your hairdresser cut your bangs all the way up to your upper lids, or even eyebrows. Anything higher will make you look foolish! Trust!
Camel toe – All together now... “The biscuit must breathe!!” Strangulation is not a good look. From where we’re sitting, that isht looks hella painful! It’s okay if your name is Coco and you’re married to Ice T. It’s your biscuits job to be strangled till it passes out.
- By SereNgeti
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