Holiday Etiquette!

It’s officially holiday season! You know what that means, right? Cocktails, hot foreign boys (or girls if you’re into that sort of thing lol!) parties, family outings, reconnecting with old friends....Etcetera, etcetera!  After surviving 20something, Sexysomething Dezembers, I feel I know enough to school you on how to act. Please excuse me if this ish is short. I’m officially on ‘holiday-mode’ (Read – I’m hung-over and will only be okay on the 3^rd of January) Lmao!

Burn your Speedos – Waving your package in our faces while we try to build sand castles with our children is not our idea of a fun day at the beach. Please rather wear shorts and then you can run around freely all day and do whatever it is that men who wear Speedos do.

Don’t tell girls you want to “foreplay them” – It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do. You are not getting laid if you tell a chick you want to foreplay her and feel her body heat. Nobody says that. Ask the hot guy who had the audacity to say this to me in Durban last week. Mnxm! What a waste! And the way I had plans for that guy... *SMH*

Invest in a cover-up – There’s nothing as embarrassing as having Green Peace volunteers throw you back into the ocean after mistaking you for a beached whale. Decency goes a very long way. This goes for string/thong bikinis. Nobody wants to see your situation.

Leave the 2 litre container at home – Blacks. We know you’ve waited all year to head to Durban after the year from hell you’ve had. However, those two litre containers need to stay at home. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Strap it up – We know a lot of people use the holidays as an excuse to act like hookers turning tricks at the corner. Whatever it is that you do, make sure you make safety a priority. We don’t want you coming back from the holidays with a new strain of gornohhea that scientists have no cure for. Wrap it up!

Don’t drink and drive - No jokes! Can we please see in the New Year with our cousins, uncles, brothers, mothers and granddads, if it’s not too much to ask?

Don’t drink and strip – *Sigh* The things I’ve seen! Please spare yourself the embarrassment of having the entire world laugh at you once your little stripper episode hits the net (which it will). We live in a very scary Digi-age where careers have been snuffed out by YouTube and Facebook. Keep your clothes on (in public) tltltl

Don’t drink and throw (Lahla) lol! – You don’t want to wake up next to a total stranger, with absolutely no recollection of the previous night’s happenings. Drink responsibly!

Don’t swim – If you’re a good swimmer and have no issues with water, then power to the people!  However, if you can’t, then grab a book and sit your a** down, shem. Please do not spoil our holidays expecting us to save your drowning a** at the beach or at the hotel pool. We don’t have the time. We’ll be too busy flirting with hot, foreign guys who say “Zee” instead of “The”.

Don’t bone your boss – If you happen to bump into your boss at a resort or party this festive, please, please, please don’t hop on! Him looking like Tyrese or Idris Elba is no excuse...Oh what the hell. If he looks anything like Tyrese...girl....lol! Just kidding! Just talk to God in a corner and ask for strength, then walk away!! Run if you have to! ‘Caster-mode’ boo! RUN!!

It looks like I won’t be updating the blog as much during the holidays. I’ll try to though so keep checking in. Thank you so much for all the support! The stats are incredible!! Over 1000 page-views for less than 10 posts!! You guys are awesome!!!

Peace and Love,

SereNgeti  

IN DEPTH: How to Keep Your Woman Happy

Mr and Mrs. Jones

It has been said that women are the most complicated creatures in the world. Yup! It’s true. With that said, let me save you the headaches and school you on how to keep her happy. It really isn’t hard to get along with your chick. I Promise!!

When your girl says she’s on a diet, believe her – The fact that you just witnessed her inhaling a whole chicken, two loaves of bread and five donuts at a go does not count, buddy. You saw her downing that diet coke didn’t you? She’s on a diet! Have a seat!!!

Never agree with your woman when she says she’s fat – Yes, you think she looks like a baby hippo, but my friend, if you know what’s good for you, keep that trap shut. When your woman comes at you with that “I look like a beached whale” junk, a brother that’s fast on the highway to Singleton Street on the corner of Splitsville and Main, will probably chuckle and nod furiously in agreement. Allow me to school you, young one.

Your Chick: “Baby, these jeans make me look like a baby elephant, don’t they?”

You: (Pull your most convincing ‘I’m outraged’ look and stare her dead in the eye. Make sure your eyes shine with fresh, sparkly tears. Clutch your chest and in a scandalised tone, say the following...)

 “FAT?!? Babe!? Is this woman on drugs Lord? Do you know how perfect you are my nunu!!? I can’t believe you’re asking me this right now!! (Walk away from her and kick something. Make sure whatever it is you decide to kick, flies clear across the room, then turn around and walk slowly towards her.)  “You... Are.... (Pause, swallow hard and let a lone tear roll down your left cheek. It has to be left. Say...) “...Mbali Confidence Zikalala (<<insert your woman’s full name here) You are the most perfect specimen I have ever laid my eyes on. Would you like a bacon and avo burger, boo bear? ” She’ll hear bacon and avo burger and she will forget everything.

Go to her family’s Christmas lunch – Yes. Her cousins always bring boyfriends that look like they will way-lay you in the passage and steal your wallet.  So what if her 63 year old aunt polishes off the punch before it even makes it to the table.  Yes, she proceeds to make you dance the ‘hlokoloza’ with her in a dark corner all night. So what? You love your woman afterall and these are just some of the sacrifices you need to make for your lady love.  I suggest you learn to love doing the hlokoloza with drunken aunts in dodgy corners, boy!

Agree with her when she calls every hot girl a skank – It doesn’t matter whether your girl knows the chick or not. If your lady says “That really tall, skinny girl at the bar. Yeah, the one with the perfect teeth? She’s a skank, shem. I can just see it in her eyes. Her aura is very slutty to me”, then that’s it! The tall, hot girl you would bone in a minute if given the chance, is a skank!

Go shopping with her – Guys are very touchy about the whole shopping thing and women know this. Show your lady how much you care by dumping your boys during the Chiefs VS Pirates Championship final.  This will convince her she made the right decision by allowing you to touch her on her studio and get in her pants. Jump up off the couch excitedly and exclaim “Why, hunny! I think we need new bathroom mats! Tshepo, the crew and the strippers they came with can drink those cases of beer all by themselves!” Grab your keys and drag her to the mall for an afternoon of fun! Walk around aimlessly if you can, coo at babies you meet along the way and stand at the ‘Zara’ shop window, crying tears over the banana yellow blazer on display.   

Hold her purse – Have you ever tried to get your man to hold your bag for two seconds, while you tie your shoe? Mnxm! If you haven’t, then you haven’t seen life. Your man will pause for a good 5 seconds, look around like he stole something and then fish that bag out of your hands with his pinkie. And that’s if you’re lucky.  I didn’t just type this purse analogy for fun. You know what to do boo boo! Be one with the bag!

Share the hottest Gossip – Set aside at least 15 minutes a day for a little ‘goss-fest’ with your boo. It could be you sharing a story about one of your boys making a housewife out of a h*e, or it could be about Kim Kardashian’s cellulite! Whatever floats your boat.  Just keep it juicy!

Cry and share feelings with her – There is nothing that will strengthen your bond like a good cry. That damn Scar really did Simba and his dad dirty in ‘The Lion King’ and she probably has also not gotten over it. Discuss it. Dissect it. Cry about it!  At least both of you will get to throw popcorn at the TV when Scar and his hyena pals come into focus. Damn you Scar!! DAMN YEeeeeewww!!!

See!!! Easy peasy!! Good Luck!

- By SereNgeti