So...you’re done crying over that no good dog, who slept with your best friend, thought the sun shone out of his derriere and treated you worse than a prisoner in Abu Ghraib. Yes, he was a gorgeous specimen who spoke 10 languages (except the language of love), clipped his toenails and had perfect teeth. He was a model and was without a doubt perfect arm candy. Lucky you, you finally kicked him to the kerb and your friends (who love you very much) have hooked you up with an adonis of a man who can melt an iceberg with just his smile. Here’s a little guide to help you nail that tricky first date so that hopefully, there can be a second and third and...well, you get the picture.
1. DON’T BE LATE
We all know getting to look like the glamazon you are takes a bit of doing. Cleansing, trimming, powdering, pouting, panicking (because you can’t find the right outfit) are all part of the game. However, being an hour late because you were taking care of your ‘hairy situation’ or trying on billions of clothes that match your new lip-gloss and eye shadow combo, will not cut it. 10 minutes late is fine. An hour is not, unless of course you were trying to save five kittens from a burning building, on your way to the restaurant.
2. DON’T EAT EVERYTHING ON THE MENU
The fact that you haven’t had a free meal in a year, should not give you the balls to order like you’re on a date with Crous. Not everyone’s pocket is deep. We all love freebies. However, show your date some consideration. We are not saying pick at your salad for the duration of your date and wash it down with tap water. That will only make you look like a really strange person with issues. Instead, eat something light before you leave the house. A piece of fruit or an energy bar will do the trick. Your stomach growling really loudly in the middle of a conversation with your hot date is not a good look. Also, never try to show off by ordering something you cannot pronounce or have never eaten before. Having a prawn fly into your date’s eye because you have no idea how to eat it, is guaranteed to put you back on the market faster than you can say ‘cordon blue.'
3. DON’T TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR 8 CATS
This could make you seem like a lonely, anti-social weirdo who does not have any friends or a social life. You want him to think you’re fun and feisty, which you are and if you aren’t, should be.
4. DONT TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR INGROWN TOENAILS
While you’re at it, don’t tell him about your corns, webbed feet, deviated septum, your ability to burp and sneeze at the same time or any other really weird ‘talents’ you possess. Save the stories for your brother. You’ll thank us when he puts a ring on it two years later.
5. DON’T SNARL AT THE WAITRESS
She could be flirting with your date, but that’s the only way she will get a sizeable tip isn’t it. All the chicks in 'burbs know you’re from the hood and you are infamous for laying random smack downs. We’re proud of you. However, let the manager deal with any sticky situation that could tempt you to beat her within two inches of her life. If you are not a lady, acting like one will get you very far.
6. DON’T GET DRUNK
Maybe you have an honorary plaque at the local pub for drinking every one of their patrons under the table. Don’t show off your skills during your date. If you feel you HAVE to drink (you really don’t) then a glass of wine or two, if you can handle it, is okay. More than two will show you things. We guarantee it. You can hook up with your girls after the date and spill all the details, while knocking back a few celebratory tequila silvers.
7. DON’T SHOW UP LOOKING LIKE A HOOKER
Anything that shows your navel or butt crack is a total no-no. So are booty shorts, clear heels and two centimetre skirts. You do not want to look desperate. You might argue that Rihanna does it. Yes she does, but guess what?! She has an album out! You don’t. We have said this before haven’t we? There’s a thin line between sexy and trashy. Don’t cross over to the other side. You don’t want your date to lodge a down low enquiry about ‘your rates’, at the end of the night.
8. DON’T REVEAL ALL
He is not Dr. Phil and he never will be. Telling him about how your Psychologist said your relationship issues stem from your father refusing to hug you when you were four years old is a bit much. Keep it mysterious and say only what needs to be said. There’s nothing as exciting as being open but unreadable. It will guarantee you a second date.
9. DON’T TRASH YOUR EX
Save the sob stories about your ex drowning your beloved cat (Mr. Sniffles) for your girlfriends or your shrink. Your ex is an idiot, but your date doesn’t need to know that. A nice ‘It just did not work out’ will suffice. Full Stop. You don’t want to end up looking like you’re not over him (even if you’re totally not over him and still stalk him on facebook.) hehehe
...unless you’re playing him or you’re scared he could be a serial killer. Either way, it’s not nice and could make him run a mile. He wants one on one time with you and not with your army of neck rolling, finger snapping home girls.
-By SereNgeti
(Published in the Times of Swaziland...coz i'm fabulous and stuff, lol!)
10. DON’T BRING A FRIEND
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