Where To Be Spotted In 2012!

Chillin'

This is one ‘hot list’ like no other. If you’re not spotted at any of these hotspots, then you’re a ‘no-puppy hugging, cat kicker!’

Church – Not to warm the wooden benches, or to check out honeyz that ride for Jesus, but to actually listen attentively to the guy sweating in the front. 

Kanye West’s dustbin – One of my goals for 2012 is to get arrested in Yeezy’s trash can. I want a peek into the lifestyle of a genius. If that’s not commitment to my love for Kanye, I don’t know what is! Even if I come out with a half-eaten chicken bone, or fight stray cats in that trash can, I will forever be grateful! The dive would have been worth it! I don’t play that! I will cut a stray cat up!!!! #StraightHood



I'd fight stray cats: Yeezy



In your house – (16 year olds) In 2012, please sit down and have a cup of tea in your mother’s house. You can even water her plants, pet your dog, play with your dolls (as you should be) and put up pictures of her cousins and your granny on her wall and stuff.  I promise you, the next time I see shorts and firm, underage thighs at night; I WILL take off my belt in the club. Trust! #Thug Life

The Spa – This is where I totally (and many others) NEED to be seen! The crust accumulated in 2011 is overwhelming. I need all kinds of acid-laden treatments and a lot of spit ‘n shine from the nice ladies who touch stranger’s body parts for a living.

The bath tub - Have you noticed how dusty you let yourself get when you’re dealing with a break up? Lol! The last 4 months of 2011 were hectic for me. I had plenty of ‘I live under a bridge and sleep in a cardboard box’ moments. In 2012, let’s look like we get paid to pout in our underwear for Victoria’s Secret! It’s the only way!

Next to Blue Ivy’s jewel encrusted pram - Believe me, you need to be on baby Blue Ivy Carter’s pay-roll! She was winning as a foetus, swimming around in Beyonce and now she’s winning outside her momma’s womb! Do you have a single with your daddy out? Are you the youngest living being to ever chart on Billboard? Is Oprah your godmother? Do you already have a trunk full of books from said godmother? Is your uncle Kanye West? Are there rumours that at only three weeks old, you slapped Rihanna and told her to “put some damn clothes on?” Can you pull off the perfect booty-hop in your diapers? Yeah! I thought not! Pull yourself together and get in line. The Carter employment line! Lol!

Slapped by Blue Ivy: Rihanna

The Gym – Apparently, underwear manufacturers in China are running out of lycra and spandex. That – in effect – means the future of the spanx hangs in the balance...which means ‘the jiggle’ is set to make a very unwelcome return...which means we shall be bumping into more cellulite than ever before in town, the KFC queue and in church. Gym is our only saving grace sistas! Imagine how high our standing will be on the universal phlyness barometer once we start sweating it out at the gym? Apparently the health benefits are great too. *shrugs* I wouldn’t know though. PS - Oh, I heard there’s plenty of shiny muscle to be ogled at the gym!

The Usher Concert – I’ve seen Usher in concert before and believe me, you don’t want to miss ‘Mr. Sexy’ in his element. I’m still trying to recover from Ushermalitis, years later! I hope he strips to his underpants this time.*hides* Don’t miss the Hansa Legends concert. ONE NIGHT only! March 10^th, 2012, at the Orlando Stadium, The Jo’!



Yum yum: Usher



Your Child’s Game – It’s time to get out of ‘Dead Beat Daddy’ mode my hun! Honest to goodness, there are way too many children growing up without fathers. You need to be present in your child’s life. Physically and emotionally! The monthly cheques are not going to cut it. A real father shows his love by being present. No amount of money can ever replace that. It doesn’t matter whether you get along with the mother of your child or not. Go to your child’s soccer match, recital, School concert...whatever! Step up to the plate and do the right thing. For the sake of your child. Thanks!

 There you go! Happy 2012 hunnies!! :)

-By Ngeti Dlamini aka SereNgeti

xoxo
Images: Burnasone, Everyjoe