When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be

BEYONCE'S FOETUS - While you and I worry about where our next meal will come from, that baby is straight chilling with a martini on some "I'm rich biatch!" Honestly, I'd be the same way too if my mom's placenta was made up of platinum plaques, rainbows, Ace of Spade, a couple of Buggati's and blood diamonds. Imagine all the happy hours me and my mommy would spend perfecting the art of hair-tossing in stilettos and perfecting the booty-hop! Partner let me upgrade you!!! #Winning

Straight Chillin: Beyonce's baby!

A WRESTLER - You know the Lord loves you when your bosses encourage you to report for work...everyday...in tiny leopard print/ hot pink/green underpants, knee caps, a mullet and a scowl! Happy Days!!!!! Imagine working in an office where body slamming your colleagues or waving your crotch in their faces does not get you slapped with sexual harassment charges and is actually encouraged! Fun Times!

LOL! #ThatsAll

A VIDEO VIXEN - I just want to shake my a** for a living. On Mondays, Thursdays, public holidays and even on Christmas. I'm not going to lie. It looks really empowering! I bet there's no better feeling in the world than being objectified and getting PAID for it!! Apparently, the free sandwiches on set are to die for and the bikinis are as comfy as they look!

Objectify Away: Lola Luv

TREY SONGZ PERSONAL MANAGER - My scope of duties would include (and not be limited to...)

1. Helping him get out of his clothes and into the bathtub.
2. Scrubbing his back to ensure the boss is shiny enough to go shirtless on stage.
3. I would also monitor his gym visits to ensure he does all his squats, push ups and butt clenches.
4. Because I probably would be totally dedicated to my job, I'd also volunteer for a spot on his security team where I would religiously conduct routine 'pat downs' on his person to check for any concealed weaponry.  Safety First kids! :)

Yes PLEASE!!

- By Serengeti

IN DEPTH: Why Your BBM died!

Blackberries

So...the big news this week was BBM showing people their mothers! I am not a BB fan (#TeamiPhone whoop, whoop!), so I was one of billions across the globe who pulled exaggerated air-punches at the news. I know I am not the only one who is sick and tired of having conversations with myself at the dinner table, while my friends chat away, giggle and send each other porn on BBM. Too bad I got clocked over the head with a BB Curve...or was it a BB Bold...*shrugs* by one of my gal pals, who practically worships at the altar of BBM and pretty much idolises notorious Blackberry wielder/thrower Naomi Campbell. Psycho! Tltltl

 Anywho, after she threw her phone at me, I had to be a good friend and help her figure out why this had happened. (Right...Because I work for Nokia, neh? Mnxm). Before getting down to business, I spent roughly 7.5 to 8 seconds judging her for caring more about BBM than the crisis in Somalia. Being the smart girl I am (read: After being threatened with another beat down), I quickly figured it out and came up with two possible scenarios. The third came from my boyfriend (He’s a smart guy who reads books. Not ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’) J

SCENARIO 1

I think Blackberry figured they had to come up with something huge to take the entire globe’s attention away from Steve Jobs’ passing. Afterall, everyone and I mean EVERYONE was talking about the guy...and with good reason. He was without a shadow of a doubt one of the greatest innovators of our time. He being in every media outlet gives the iPhone - BB's closest competitor - more Brand Leverage than ever before, which Blackberry does not want, of course! So, what did those geeks decide to do? Put BBM on ‘Shut Down Mode’ to get everyone talking and to shift focus away from Steve Jobs, pancreatic cancer and the iPhone. Heartless scumbags!

SCENARIO 2

A security guard at the Blackerry Headquarters accidentally peed on the BBM servers after having had a little too much to drink at the party Blackberry hosted to celebrate Steve Jobs’ death.

SCENARIO 3

My man reckons the CIA probably shut that ish down to access people’s personal info, as well as their private conversations - in the agencies continued efforts to fight global terrorism and crime. “Oh sh*t! I’m going to get arrested,” he jokes. Lol!

All these scenarios make perfect sense. However, I’ll put my money on Scenario 2, thank you very much.

My momma once told me “Baby! Never trust a drunken Blackberry security guard, who wants to pee”.

Well, you know what they say! Momma’s always right!

Steve Jobs... Rest peacefully in iCloud! God Speed!!!

RIP Steve Jobs!

-By SereNgeti

FEATURE: How to Get Laid!

If the only action you get on a Friday night is watching your cat coughing up hairballs, PLEASE read the below. Yes...this IS an intervention!

MEN:

BATH – Smelling like you live in a sewerage tank is NOT the business. So is looking like ‘Swamp Thing’ or a KaMdodi Boy (KMB). Maybe that’s why Mr Sniffles (your cat) is the only thing that can stand you. Cut, trim, shave, shear, polish, buff, chop... Act like Nike and Just Do It! If your hair has locked into dreads because you can’t stand to touch a comb...Tsk tsk!! Also, marinating yourself in cologne will make you look like a loser. You’re not a lamb chop that’s about to be thrown on the grill. Last but not least, your breath can’t be smelling like you’re breeding a family of skunks in your mouth. Chicks will dig you if you start taking regular scrubs and brushes. Honest!

Swamp Thing #NotAGoodLook!

BE A GENTLEMAN – Manners are very important. Mind your P’s and Q’s, hug stray kittens, help old ladies cross the road, be nice to petrol attendants and waitresses (not the hot ones with bouncy, perky boobs)... and most importantly DON’T steal her purse. *Mumbling* If I had a dollar for every time a knee-grow stole my purse!!

READ – No! Paging through Hustler and Playboy doesn’t constitute reading. That doesn’t count. I’m talking books, homey! Don’t be like the guy who proudly announced the last book he read was ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’. Huh? First of all...that’s a damn NURSERY RHYME and NOT a book!!! Good thing I packed my running shoes in my purse that day because the way I ran, Caster would be proud!! That brother is probably watching his cat coughing up hairballs as we speak. Lol! Every woman wants their kids to have a fighting chance in this cold, cruel world we live in. No one wants a retarded stripper child whose favourite pastime is singing ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ in church and at funerals. You see how things can go wrong, neh? No books...No Biscuit!

Read, homey!

HAVE AMBITION – There’s nothing that makes a woman want to jump you, more than ambition. Having a plan (short term or long-term) is where it’s at! No woman wants to be stuck with deadwood, especially if she knows she will be making plenty paper in the future. Also, women want to know you’re capable of providing for her babies (who will probably have your big a**head). There’s nothing particularly glamorous about starving to death...unless of course the woman you have your sights on is Kate Moss...(who you’re not dating and never will, because you’re living in abject poverty by Kate’s standards.) Tltltltl! Lesson... You don’t have to be rich. Just have goals and show her you are working hard at achieving every one of them! Who knows? Maybe she’ll even help you achieve a couple, if you’re a good boy *wink*

...You’re welcome!! J

*The End*

IDOLS ROUND UP: Boobs & Wood!

South Africa has a new IDOL kids! His name is Dave (Of course he's not black. This is NOT Coca Cola Pop Stars)

Can he sing? Hhmm...The jury is still out on that one. All I am prepared to say right now is that um,I like his skinny jeans…tltltl

#WINNING: Dave being his strange self

*Okay, first things first…Unathi’s boobs. Shem Hhayi *round of applause* I want them! They distracted me the whole show and certainly upstaged that Proverb guy. They looked alive! I wouldn’t be surprised if they have a job, pay taxes and go shopping for Wonder bras on their own.Next time, the Producers should just hand those breasts a Mic so they can present the show! It’s called cutting costs hehehe

*As soon as I heard Proverb announce the Parlotones would be hitting the stage with some of the Top 10 contestants, I bolted and found myself in the passage. I don’t know where I was going but I can assure you wherever it was had to be as far away from the damn TV as humanly possible. Every week, it’s been Parlotones this and Parlotones that. Hhhayi. As I was standing there in the passage, staring into a spider’s eyes, I heard an all too familiar croak. It was my FAVE Idol contestant…Freddie! Lol!

Freddie and his hair are my heroes shem lol

He and that mop of hair on his head need to start a band. Seriously!He is such a Rockstar and has that ‘I do coke on strippers boobs’ look down to a tee! FredStar did his thing on stage with two black guys (I forget their names) who looked bored out of their minds. They looked like they couldn’t wait to go back home and smoke weed shem.

*Liquid Deep then tried to warm up the crowd with their funky “You Don’t Have to be Alone”. Mnxm! Sadly, I felt alone throughout their performance because Mr Yummy Vocalist Guy decided he was too shy to look at the audience, or even the camera’s! I was totally mad at him. But not for long. His dimple made everything alright. All is forgiven boo boo!

*Dave looked high (as usual)! I knew he would take it. He has ‘the look’- whatever that is. I can’t help but notice he tries to channel Pete Doherty (Google him baby). Mark was by far the better vocalist of the two. His weight however, did him dirty.

*The whole ‘Introduction’ bit by Lira’s band during her 50 second performance was a little OTT. By the time she started singing, I had knitted 12 scarves and half a sweater with my Grandmother *Yawn* She made up for it though with an energetic performance. I love her. She pulls you in every time. I’m still on the fence though about her orange gear. Looked like a naartjie threw up on her backstage.

Lira's intro made me and my Granny knit *Yawn*

*I lol’d and almost peed on myself when Zandri mounted the stage to accept her ‘Wooden Mic Award’. Yhoooo!!!She looked like she had just rolled out of bed with that hair. She then decided to kill me dead when she sang that damn Celine Dion song. Lawd! I still feel  Peter what-what was robbed shem! He will forever have a place in my heart for his flawless, pitch-perfect and totally inspired rendition of Josh Groban’s “You raise Me Up” Hhayi! GIVE THAT MAN A BELLS!! Lmao!

If you don’t know what I’m talking about…

PEEP THIS VIDEO : Usher! Eat your heart out!

*Dead*

That concludes my FIRST EVER BLOG POST! :) *Does the Stanky Leg* Excuse me if it's crappy! I'm sure it'll get better once I get the hang of this!

Peace and Love xoxo

SereNgeti

Video and Images: IdolsSA website